Why I date outside my culture

Many moons ago, long before I became a traveler,  I had idyllic dreams of my future that resembled that of a cookie cutter image of society. I was convinced that as a white Kiwi woman, I needed to marry a white Kiwi man. I didn’t grow up religious, but Christians seemed to have a good name for themselves and helped add an additional layer of purity to my idyllic ideas. So, I only dated white Christian guys. I tried my best to keep my wild dreams and ideas in the furthest depth of my mind because they weren’t conducive to the overarching ideal. I believed that I needed to marry young so as not to be left on the shelf, so I set myself goals of being engaged at 23, married at 25 and first child at 27. These ideas sound very sensible, but the reality for me was a battle in my mind… a constant battle in fact. There was a voice in my head that told me that I was meant for great things, big things… but each time I listened to that voice, I was convinced that I was too much of a dreamer and shot that voice down, then carried on following the path that society paved for me.

At 22 I reconnected with an old friend, a white Christian Kiwi guy who I met in a church youth group when I was 13. At 23 we were engaged, 25 we were married and by 27 we had separated. There are 1001 reasons why we parted ways and are now divorced, all of which are valid and were absolutely the right reasons for the 2 of us. There are no hard feelings between us and he has now remarried. I genuinely wish him all the best in his future.

At 27, after a year of earthquakes that destroyed our home and city, I started making way for that voice that kept telling me that I was meant for great things… to believe in myself and to follow my dreams… the voice that tells me to stop buying into society’s plans and start following the plans of my heart. That voice guided me through career success, starting my degree, weight loss, emotional development, a broadened circle of friends and solo travel.

I’ve always been attracted to men of other cultures. Always. But for reasons I don’t really understand, my views on mixed race relationships in my youth were something out of the 1950’s. Now as a grown ass woman, I don’t care at all for these views, and purely follow wherever my heart takes me. My heart has lead me into the arms of different men of different cultures, and while I’m single for now… I have no doubt in my mind that my future husband will not be  white Kiwi guy and my future children will be mixed race.

But why…?

In part, it has a lot to do with the way that I perceive my own culture and the way that those views change and evolve every time I come home from my adventures abroad. Every time I return home, I feel like someone has put my country and the minds of its people through a shrink cycle in the drier. While this is a wild generalisation, for the most part it is the way that I feel and it’s suffocating. I don’t want to repeat my past, and now that I’ve tasted a little of what the rest of the world has to offer… New Zealand men don’t seem so appetising. In addition, I feel like I have little to learn from my kiwi counterparts. The only new lessons to be learned are the layers of depth to develop the things I already know. Here we speak only 1 language, don’t follow religion, are a new country so traditions and history is minimal… this has it’s benefits and it’s pitfalls… but I wan’t more and I feel that settling down with a kiwi guy will stagnate my mind and that scares me more than you could ever know.

I’m at an age where starting a family is on my mind and with that comes a series of ideas of how I’d like to raise it. Beyond the beauty of mixed race people (seriously, my genes with an African, Arab or Chinese… stunning!) it’s important to me that my future family are at least bilingual with the second language being linked in some way to cultural heritage. Here in NZ we only speak English, this is a way to develop intellectual advantage in a country that has taken a backseat in intelligence. Next, I want to develop an deep seated understanding and connection to a culture that isn’t one of white privilege. I want to breed cultural diversity, not ignorance. I want to instill a set of morals and values that are absolutely missing within NZ society.

Then there’s me… you can’t have a relationship without a physical and mental attraction. I’m attracted to a man who shares openly and confidently about his culture, morals, values and life experiences. I’m also attracted to men that have a different skin tone, accent and outlook on life. So, while I continue to date, travel the world and struggle to sit still for more than 5 minutes… I know what I want and am absolutely convinced that my prince charming is out there somewhere, and I bet his accent is so fine!

Let your heart be the greatest leader in your love life. Your head can lead other things, but when it comes to love… let your heart lead the way. ❤





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